Honoring You in All Your Relationships

It’s no secret that it takes two to create and maintain a healthy relationship. Although I would agree with this statement, I also know there is a lot one person can do to change the dynamics of any relationship. And since none of us have the power to change another person, it only makes sense that the best place to start in our relationships is with ourselves.

At our local Super Walmart, there is a gentleman there by the name of George. George stands at the front door and enthusiastically greets everyone who walks into Walmart. He smiles at the guests and with a jubilant tone, he asks people how they’re doing. When he’s not talking to someone, he is singing and enjoying life wholeheartedly. George has the ability to change me and my mood, simply by being who he is. By honoring what is important to him – joy – he brings out the best in his Walmart relationships.

Our lives are touched by many relationships. While most of us define a relationship as existing between two people, there are other types of relationships as well. The one component of your relationships that remains constant, however, is you. So as we explore the relationships in your life, I want to invite you to ask yourself these important questions as it relates to each of these precious relationships.

Who are you in this relationship?

Who do you want to be in this relationship?

What important values do you want to define this relationship?

What needs are being met or not being met in this relationship?

Is respect practiced in this relationship?

Does this relationship give you positive energy? Or does it drain you?

In what ways do you nurture this relationship?

What changes need to occur in this relationship?

Relationship with God

God is your Rock. He is your foundation. He is the Source for an unending supply of love, peace, patience and wisdom. Since God is the Master Creator, He is the central point from which all other relationships are formed.

Relationship with Self

Without love and respect for yourself, it is difficult to love and respect others. An authentic relationship with you is critical to creating honest and open relationships with others. The relationship with self must be nurtured frequently so you can be emotionally and physically available to your other important relationships.

Relationship with Spouse

Although this relationship may or may not exist in your family, if it does, it is the link that ties your family together. This link must be strong enough to withstand the challenges of raising your children and building a healthy family.

Relationship with Children

These relationships are the reason we call ourselves mom. We have been entrusted by God to be their soul provider and protector. Our children depend on us for guidance, teaching, and most importantly, love.

Relationship with Parents and Siblings

These relationships were our primary relationships in life. It is where we practiced how to be in relationship with other people. Depending on what we learned in our early years, we may or may not want to model these relationships. Healing these first relationships significantly affects the health of our relationships today.

Relationship with Friends

Our friends, depending on who we choose, have the ability to be a great support for us. Friends meet significant emotional needs for women, and remind us that fun, sharing and bonding is important for our overall well being.

Relationship with Boss, Coworkers and Clients

These relationships, if we work, take up a tremendous amount of our waking hours. Much of what we experience at work is brought home to our loved ones. Our working relationships can inspire us or drain us, so it’s important that we choose these relationships wisely.

Relationship with Time and Money

Although time and money are not human beings, they are precious commodities in our life. How we choose to spend our time affects every relationship in our lives. Our relationship with money holds energy in our lives. We have the ability to attract or repel money depending on how we treat it.

In each of these and other significant relationships, you are a vital contributor. Who you are in each of these relationships can make or break the quality that you experience. So be yourself and align you relationships with your values. Make the time to nurture your relationships because, in the end, relationships are all that really matter.

Relationship Management – Sustaining A Competitive Advantage

Introduction

The management of relationships has been a facet of business for as long as business transactions have existed. On the most basic level, Relationship Management is about interaction with customers. From a broader perspective one can consider employees, suppliers and consumers as customers, the employees being the internal customers of the organization. Relationship Management deals with the treatment and management of partnerships, connections, linkages and chains between business entities.

For the purposes of this paper, we view Relationship Management (RM) as a conscious and planned activity. It would be misleading to suggest that there have not been relationships in business or any focus on relationships by companies. However, the thrust of RM, as expounded in recent times, points to a more tactical and strategic approach to focusing on the customer rather than a relentless focus on the competition.

After the economic downturn of the 90s, many companies started to examine the possible benefits to be gained from less negotiation strong-arming, closeness to suppliers and the establishment of constructive relationships with strategic stakeholders. This does not suggest that RM was founded in the US, or has not existed before then; the Japanese had perfected RM and value-concretisation into an art form on the basis of social structure and communal creed.

RM itself has not just many types but many levels. The manufacturer has his suppliers and the end users as his customers; the retailer has the manufacturers and the end users as his customers, and manufacturer, the supplier and every organization with a tactical or strategic agenda have internal customers.

Literature Review

There have been several different sub types of Relationship Management introduced by writers, marketers and business pundits, starting from the most widely known Customer Relationship Management (Buttle, 2004; Kracklauer, Mills & Seifert, 2004) to Customer Centricity (Gummesson, 2008); Collaborative Customer Relationship Management (Kracklauer, Mills & Seifert, 2004); Supply Chain Relationship Management (Kracklauer, Mills & Seifert, 2004), Integrated Supply Chain Relationship Management (Kracklauer, Mills & Seifert, 2004), and so on. Hines (2006) delineates three types of relationships: the strategic alliance, the functional partnership and the one-sided partnerships. Donaldson & O’Toole (2007) outlines four types of relationships: partnership, friendship, adversarial and detachment. Our discussion here centres on four components of Customer Relationship Management: Customer Identification, Customer Attraction, Customer Retention and Customer Development; all of which, for the purposes of this paper, we shall consider all of these under the blanket term Relationship Management; Relationship Marketing, the management of, not the cooperation with customers; the latter being the job of relationship management, is not within the scope of this paper but since from a conceptual perspective, the difference between the two may not be as simplistic and marked, it may be mentioned or discussed in passing.

Traditionally, RM was an activity (or non-activity) that involved an electronic customer database of an organisation’s customers or consumers,which reports on consumer buying behaviour. Contemporarily, RM delves much deeper than this: undertaking intensive research on customers and customer behaviour and using the result of such research to (re)design business culture. RM, at its strategic level, advocates for a business culture with a concentrated focus on the customer rather than on the products or the sales, but what seems to be the biggest trump card of and in RM is loyalty. The customer-centric concentration in business relationships in recent times has forced a move towards shared goals and shared benefits, and for this to work there has to be commitment; each party being committed to their personal objectives but also to the shared goals; each party having the competence to carry out their responsibilities and believing and relying, having a confident and positive expectation that the other party will act within the ambits of the agreement.

The focus on the customer (which is the basis for a relational existence) runs across certain concepts: price, quality, innovation, reliability of product, reliability of associated service and brand reputation. On the proven premise that it is easier and cheaper to retain a customer than to attain a new one or regain a lost one, customer RM on the concepts already discussed should be the goal of the contemporary business.

Different types of RM have been identified, ranging from the transactional, the collaborative and the formation of alliances, which is also known as partnerships or value-added exchanges. The alliance is a partnership with suppliers that involves a mutual beneficiary arrangement where cost-cutting ventures are jointly addressed by both buyer and seller, the seller being considered an extension of the buyer’s organization. The business relationship between Japanese suppliers using JIT is a good example. For example Toyota holds a strong alliance even with its 3rd tier vendors. The result of such partnerships means added value, reduced production and transport costs, a more seamless supply and delivery network, and maintenance of exceptional quality, as per TQM considerations.

Traditionally, companies were preoccupied with rigorous competition, firm-induced and firm-controlled business strategies, focus on short-term profits and strategies and independent decision-making. This transactional existence meant a focus more on the competition than the customer, a concentration on short-term profits rather than long-term strategic gains and likelihood to be blind to opportunities for expansion and change. Today’s strategically-minded companies are pre-occupied with partnership with other firms, collaboration and coaction, boundarylessness, joint decision-making and a focus on long term benefits. With today’s business climate, one can easily foresee a rapidly changing business environment where manufacturers will have the most fruitful partnerships with every member of the supply chain and the consumers, a scenario where the manufacturer will run a ‘virtual factory’ with the effective and efficient use of value chain networks unlimited by geographical location or consideration.

RM functions on a strategic, a tactical and an operational level. Businesses that are product-oriented ensure effective performance of their products, in the design, the features and output; the production-oriented business (not to be confused with the product-oriented) believe in mass production at a cheap scale on the notion that the customer uses low-price as a singular consideration; sales-oriented businesses put a lot of stock in advertising, promotions and public relations while the customer-centric enterprise strives to understand its customers preferences and purchasing behaviour and models its business activities to suit this. This is considered strategic RM. The operational level deals with automating the customer management process using computer applications and devices across market, sales force and service categories. Tactical RM deals with using the data from customer management computer applications to add value both to the customer and the company.

While it would be immensely useful to run a customer database to keep the organization in sync with full information with its customers, RM especially from a strategic perspective delves deeper than mere software; it deals with a ‘pull’ strategy, letting the wants and needs of the customer dictate what products and services are offered, rather than the other way round, using a production-oriented strategy to ‘push’ products and services that the consumers may or may not need, but which does not ultimately satisfy the customer.

Companies generate more revenue when they satisfy – and because of this retain- their customers. It is hereby propounded that the simple economic fact that customer retention is cheaper than customer attraction provides the customer with an intrinsic importance to business performance than anything else.

The Customer

Discussions on RM, or even relationship marketing, cannot be possible with the exclusion of the word ‘customer’. The customer is the object – and sometimes also the subject – of RM. Attainment of an effective RM is consistent upon customer satisfaction, customer retention, customer loyalty and a host of sub-concepts preceded by the word ‘customer’.

But while it is known what the customer represents, it is not always known who the customer is or how many different representations of the customer we have.

A vehicle manufacturer for example will have its suppliers of raw material in tiers, its distribution partners, and the actual end users. From a business point of view, all these are customers and even though there is only a single set of consumers. The basis of the RM between these different customers (and even between different sub-levels of customers – supplier tiers for instance) could be immense. Customer Relationship Management in its true sense may refer only to the end users or consumers in this case, for the attraction and retention schemes may not apply to first tier suppliers, though development will, albeit from a different perspective.

In business, the customer therefore is not someone who pays for goods and services; it is evidently a unit that has some considerable stake – not stock- in the business and whose input contributes in one way or another to the bottom line. By the same token, the employees in an organization are customers; internal customers. Paradoxically, so are senior management; and middle and junior management. On the concept of ‘keiretsu’, the Japanese takes the word ‘customer’ to a disparate level. Kaoru Ishikawa, one of the top five Quality Management gurus, supersedes that when he suggests that ‘the next process is your customer’ as an appropriate maxim for the drive towards customer satisfaction. For Ishikawa, the customer is not merely an object, it becomes an activity, a process, a goal.

Supply Chain Relationship Management

From a supply chain management perspective, RM is centred on the chief players: the manufacturer and the supplier. There may be several suppliers, several tiers of suppliers and several types of suppliers (retailers, resellers, etc). There would obviously be the end user. Of major importance is the relationship between manufacturer and principal suppliers.

Three major types of relationship types in the supply chain are hereby identified: the adversarial, the transactional and the strategic. Both sets of authorities on the subject hold that the transactional relationship (as opposed to the relational variety) has a transactional rather than a partnership focus; is competition rather than collaboration-oriented; is firm-benefiting as opposed to being partnership-profitable; is independent and therefore myopic rather than interdependent and is viable only for the short term.

Strategically, it is the relational type that is considered a partnership. The traditional partnership is that between the manufacturer and its principal supplier(s). There are also lateral partnerships, between competitors; buyer partnerships between firms and eventual and/or intermediate customers; internal partnerships which refer to the concept of the internal customership within organizations and across functional departments.

A relationship is considered adversarial where there is fear, threats (whether tacit or overt) and coercion (whether esoteric or actual). In the automotive manufacturing business for example, a manufacturer can have an adversarial relationship with suppliers if the bargaining power of the manufacturer is considerable in a case where a good percentage of the supplier’s products are purchased by the one manufacture or a chain of them. In such cases, the manufacturer attempts to attain value by pursuing only its own interests; being strategically independent (rather than interdependent); communicating unilaterally; influencing decisions using force or the threat of force; using competitive bidding rather than establish strategic relationships with few suppliers; and entrench all discussions, agreements, terms and conditions in detailed formal contracts.

For the most part, RM in the supply chain is vertical, as partnerships are built with firms along the value chain. Some companies do not realize any value because their customer/consumer RM is kept separate from their supplier relationship management; for supply chain networks to thrive effectively, establishing partnerships is simply a means, not the end itself. The mere establishment of partnerships does not suggest a collective move towards a shared goal. For that to be existent, the partnerships must be collaborative. Collaboration involves significant investment of those involved incorporation mutual understanding, shared vision, shared resources, united goal achievement, trust, trustworthiness and complete functional interdependence.

Culture and Relationship Management

Culture refers to the way things are done and have been done in an organization or social setting for a considerable period. Culture determines behaviour patterns; it is integrated into the behavioural framework of a person or a group of people; it is the result of not only learned, but acquired behaviour patterns, and it is a collection of behaviour, attitudes, character traits, convictions and belief shared by a group of people.

Cultural differences could not only limit the functional success of relationships, it could derail the effectiveness of RM, or terminate it completely. Cultural differences cover personality traits, gender differences, geographical, social and business disparities. Social culture defines how people manage relationships, and effectively therefore, to what extent relationships can be properly managed. Corporate culture issues aptly capture the issue of RM and the extent to which relationships can be successful across two or more firms: The essence of corporate culture is an organization’s conviction about how its business is to be enacted. Then there is culture based on geography; Country culture determines corporate culture(s) to a large extent. One of the main determiners of country and corporate culture may be the extent to which people treasure personal relationships. While the long-standing relationship of two firms in Asia may be maintained primarily because of some earlier personal connection, the long-standing relationship of two firms in the US may be maintained primarily on the betterment of the bottom line of both firms. While using coercion as a conduit for good RM may be an effective negotiating strategy in the US for example, it may be considered grave disrespect in many parts of Asia and may lead to the premature severance of a good business relationship.

From a country culture perspective, it has been suggested that the French are not interested in whether they are liked; the Americans are impatient and negotiate to tie up every loose end, as opposed to the Chinese who negotiate solely to build a better relationship, not to tie up loose ends all at once, since as far as they are concerned negotiations never end; the Italians and Germans never offer praise before they criticize; the Indians feel that interruptions during discussions is a way of fostering more understanding; the Americans are said to talk too much and would ask personal questions which people from other cultures may find distasteful. These classifications may be too generic and type-casted, but if they are to be accepted (or even tolerated) as factual, then it is but natural that customer relationship management with have different results and outcomes in different countries with disparate cultures and different people. As a prerequisite to effective management of relationships therefore, a useful understanding of personal and social attitudes and expectations of the other parties may help the partnership.

‘Guanxi’ is a Chinese cultural way of interacting and managing relationships in business. It encourages supply chains and networks based on interactions and negotiations between family members, friends and people of trust. Anyone outside this circle of trust is likely to be treated with suspicion at best, and hostility at worst. In the management of relationships between international firms for instance, a subject who does not fall within that circle of trust is likely to have zero limit to manoeuvrability in negotiations and discussions. The giving of gifts which is an essential element of ‘Guanxi’ may be viewed upon as unethical or improper by another party or potential partner.

It may be easy to suggest that the establishment of relationships should not in any way be affected by culture. However, if cultural issues are likely to limit the organizations ability to manipulate or manoeuvre in business relationships, it means that realization, identification and modification of the cultural issues should be a valid point in the establishment of set objectives for the effective management of meaningful business relationships. Capon (2004) seems to concur when she says that ‘everyone lives culture, but only the clever are able to manage it’.

For RM to be successful, there has to be a constant supply of reliability between and among all parties. Every party to the relationship should have the confidence that the other party is in a position to deliver as promised, and will. This is where the issue of trust comes in. Trust is one of the most important antecedent to a successful business partnership; in the realm of retailing, many repeat purchases and purchase considerations are made based on product trust, store trust, brand trust or a combination of these.

Trust and Relationship Management

Many attempts have been made to define or (failing which, to) describe the apparently elusive concept of trust. Plenty definitions have been offered, some have been markedly different, but most have been consistent on the central issue: that trust is the anticipation by one that the other will not take undue advantage. Trust is an expectation that another will not take undue advantage; it is the chosen susceptibility of one party to be vulnerable to the possible unfairness and selfishness of another; it is the belief in the integrity of another person and party; it exists only where there is risk and uncertainty which connotes that the concept of trust is linked with the likelihood of opportunism by one or more parties. Undertaking to trust therefore is synonymous to undertaking the management of risk.

The thrust in all of the definitions are basically the same; that trust is an anticipation of behaviour or actions based on stated or tacit agreement that another party will not act in its own interests. While the definitions are consistent, the treatment of the concept, the construct and its relationship to management theory and practice seem to differ. There has been very little empirical research to verify how trust functions in business or what determines trust.

Models, Types and Constructs of Trust

There have been myriad views on the models, types and constructs of trust. There are three types of trust: deterrence-based (trust that exists on the basis that opportunism will have dire consequences); knowledge-based (trust based on predictable actions) and identification-based (trust based on emotional association between the parties). Similarly, there are 3 sources of trust: process-based (trust which is based on an exchange relationship of considerable longevity); characteristic-based (trust based on social or other group characteristic) and institutional-based (the inducement of trust by social institutions.

Trust is based on 5 cognitive processes: the calculative process; the prediction process – which is the same as calculative except that the analysis here is more qualitative than quantitative; capability process; the intentionality process – the assessment of the motives and intentions of the other party; and the transference process – situation where trust is based on a trusted reference from a third party.

The processes outlined here do not necessarily challenge the conceptual theories of; rather they represent disparate viewpoints based on environment and whether trust is being viewed as a social or a business construct, and whether these are mutually exclusive. It would seem that the intentionality process is a little redundant; the interpretation of the intentions of the trustee could be analysed under the calculative or the prediction process.

The deeper the examination of trust as a concept and as an intrinsic integer in business practice, the more elusive it seems to become. If the contracts, agreement or legal implications, which we can call ‘governance devices’, do exist, then it follows that these devices were created because one or both parties do not trust each other. This does not refer to distrust, but an absence of trust. Nascent literature has propounded that an absence of trust by a trustor could be based on the fact that the trustor knows nothing about the trustee and has decided therefore not to take the risk of trusting. Since this does not mean that the trustor’s absence of trust was based on knowledge and/or experience of the trustee’s actions, it is not distrust, but an absence of trust.

Relationships and Trust

These two concepts are not the same, but in today’s business environment, the discussion of one brings out the other. Unlike relationships which just exist, trust is not a given. Trust, like respect which it incorporates, is earned; thus trust cannot exist without trustworthiness, which is the ability to earn trust, the capability of being trusted. Trustworthiness is rooted in the believer’s trust that the other party possesses integrity, values and a good sense of ethics, and therefore can be trusted. Trustworthiness has to be fathered, to be engendered by firms and organizations themselves, and this, by running the organization using a visible set of values and ethics. Trust and distrust are to be understood as one ‘bipolar construct’, diametrically existing in a continuum.

Areas for Further Research

As a firm that claims to live on customer satisfaction and successful relationship management as its key to competitive advantage, Toyota does not expect the total absence of errors though it continuously drives towards it. The Toyota Production System does provide several modes of detection and fixing of errors as they occur, but not all errors are fixed, mainly because not all errors are readily visible or apparent.

The cases of the sticky gas pedals, obstructive floor mats and the Sudden Unintended Acceleration (SUA) are cases in points. A gas pedal as a component may not have been sticky up to when the car is driven and tested at Toyota’s plants, nor would any unexpected acceleration show itself. Nonetheless it is a manufacturing error that Toyota has addressed and has recalled vehicles to replace the faulty components at Toyota’s own cost. This does not mean that customers may easily forget or that their trust goes unaffected, especially since the death of an entire family in a Lexus crash after SUA occurred but these mishaps may have dented (not destroyed) the brand loyalty and trust of the world’s foremost car maker, if the customer assesses that the satisfaction considerably outweighs the errors. The recall of vehicles and Toyota’s promise to replace all defective gas pedals may suggest an innate concern for customers.

Healthy Relationships For Beautiful Life

In happy relationships, there are five simultaneous relationships happening. Healthy relationships are based upon each person having a relationship with him-or-herself. The relationship with the self is the basic building block of a relationship. Both parties must have broken through their denial systems to some extent, achieved some modicum of honesty with themselves, and become willing to take responsibility for themselves. In general, each must be a person in his or her own right. If one does not have a relationship with the self, it is truly impossible to have a living process (healthy) relationship; it will not be possible to be honest with the “other” if one is not in contact with oneself.

This relationship with the self is a source of pleasure and expansion and needs time and nurturing in order to grow. In order to have a relationship with the self, it is necessary to have quiet time alone, time to enrich one’s spirituality. A relationship with the self takes time. Truly having a relationship with our own process relates us to the process of the universe.

The next two relationships that occur in healthy relationships are each person’s fantasized relationship with the other. Each person has a fantasy about what is go in on with the other and about who the other is. In healthy relationships, it is necessary to bring these fantasized relationships into the conscious self, explore them, and make them available to and share them with the others. These relationships can be the source of a lot of fun, and as long as we know them for what they are, can add richness to our relationship with ourselves and with others.

A fifth relationship in healthy relationships is the actual relationship that exists between the two people. It is dependent upon the previous four having been developed, maintained, and “cleaned up” if necessary. Not that we have to be perfect to have a relationship; relationships provide a major arena for growth and self-awareness, and paradoxically they have to exist consciously and be worked with for the relationship between the self and other requires taking risks. In order to have this relationship, it is necessary to be able to see the self and the other and to respect the process of both. This relationship is a rich source of information for the self. And it is more than that; it is an opportunity to know and be known.

In healthy relationships, the focus is upon respecting one’s own process. When this happens, each – almost be default – respects the others journey and supports it as well as his or her own.

Healthy relationships imply supporting each other, yet these is no focus upon “fixing” the other person. Each person’s process is respected and it is recognized that each must do what he or she must. It is understood that if I have feelings about what the other does, these are my feelings and I have to handle them as best I can. Commitment is not incarceration. It is each being committed to her or his own process, sharing that process, and respecting the process of the others.

A healthy relationship is an open system, which means that both information that is external to the parties and the relationship are sought, listened to, and resolved. Therefore, in healthy relationships, choices are very important,, and the generation of options opens the possibility to growth and creativity. Choices are not threats.

Relationships are mysterious. Never-the-less, it is fun to play around with some “lists” of ideas for “healthy relationship skills.”

To be able to ‘wait with” the evolution of a relationship.

To be able to be honest when one is not interested or cannot listen.

To recognize and accept one’s own needs and honor them.

To care for, not take care of, the other.

To know that dependency in any form kills relationships; to honor the integrity of the self and the other.

To know that one cannot compromise one’s moral values without eroding the relationship.

To be present to the self and the other and share intimacy where appropriate.

To know that physical loving evolves as intimacy grows.

To know the relationship is only one important aspect of one’s total life.

To be unwilling to turn one’s life over to anyone.

To accept responsibility for one’s own life and recognize the others responsibility for his or her own life.

To be honest with oneself abou

Love And Relationships – How To Save A Failing Relationship

Relationships usually start off full of bliss, fun and enjoyment, and there is no much better feeling than that ‘brand-new relationship’ feeling.

What are the things to do to save a relationship when love is falling apart?

As soon as you start seeing some signs of a failing relationship you begin to stress and might even begin acting and thinking irrationally– perhaps muttering to yourself, “Please help me save my relationship,” which truly does not help the circumstance one bit.

Sure, it’s good that you are acknowledging that you need to save your relationship, but only you know within yourself if you are holding onto truth or fantasy.

The Course in Miracles states, “It is still up to you to choose to join with truth or with illusion. But remember that to choose one is to let the other go.”

How you act now can make or break your relationship, so if you truly want to find ways to save a failing relationship then the following pointers might be useful to you.

Exactly what is the Problem in the Relationship?

If they aren’t resolved, all love and relationships will have some problems, but some issues are worse than others and these issues are the ones that can break a relationship.

Even the little issues need looked into at the source when considering things to do to save a relationship, even though they are small, they can build up gradually and become the cause of love and relationships failing.

The Course in Miracles further states, “The ego seeks to ‘resolve’ its problems, not at their source, but where they were not made.”

Speak to Your Partner about the Problem

A relationship is a two person journey and you can not resolve all problems on your own.

Do not simply try to deal with the issue yourself if there is a problem in your relationship you will need to sit down with your partner and discuss it.

By discussing any problems that you have then you can both pursue solving the issue and learn how to save your relationship.

Do You and Your Partner Still Love Each Other?

Love is a really powerful tool and if you both still enjoy each other, then you should be able to use that source to save your relationship.

If you can keep the above suggestions in mind, it is possible to save a failing relationship that has issues.

Love is a two way street and you both need to feel love towards each other and be dedicated to saving your relationship.

If there is still a twinkle of love, can a relationship be saved?

Yes, of course, hope is among the top of the list on things to do to save a relationship.

To save a failing relationship, first understand that all relationships will have some issues, however some issues are worse than others, and these issues are the ones that can break a relationship if they aren’t resolved.

To save your relationship and your love for your partner, it is essential to determine any issues and work through them together.

9 Reasons Why Relationships Fail

Is your relationship going downhill? Maintaining a relationship is not easy and most couples encounter a few bumps along the road to a lasting relationship. If not recognized earlier, these bumps could push couples to take the relationship to the wrong direction leading to break-ups or divorce. It is important to recognize these relationship killers ahead of time to avoid further damage. There are reasons why relationships fail and once these reasons are recognized ahead of time, you’ll have a better chance of saving your troubled relationship. Although no one can enumerate all the reasons why relationships fail, we have listed here the top reasons. So what are these relationship killers?

Poor or lack of communication. One way to connect with each other is for couples to have a strong and regular communication. Couples tend to drift apart due to poor or lack of communication. Many relation problems start with lack of communication. Assuming that you know what your partner or spouse is thinking is dangerous to your relationship. Misunderstandings and arguments are often the result of not communicating with your spouse or partner. If this is happening in your relationship then you should know that this is one of the reasons why relationships fail and you have to do something to improve the communication in your relationship.

Not supportive with each other’s goals, ambitions and careers. One of the reasons why relationships fail is the issues with careers and ambitions between couples. When two people in a relationship have different goals and ambitions and cannot compromise or support each other, the relationship may suffer in the end. It is given that two people naturally have different ambitions and careers to pursue but in a relationship, it is best to support each other’s interest or careers to avoid strain in the relationship. It is easier to make the relationship work with a partner or spouse who believes and supports their spouse’s or partner’s career. If 100% understanding, acceptance and support is not possible, at least a partner or spouse should be open to compromise and willing to find a work around to make both their careers and relationship work. Sacrifices and compromise is inevitable. Of course, both should know how to balance their careers with their love life. It is easier said than done but it is not impossible. There are couples who are both successful in their careers at the same time lead a happy and strong relationship.

Not getting along with your partner’s friends and family. One of the reasons why relationships fail is the conflict with people closest to your spouse or partner. Let’s face it, the world does not revolve around you and your partner alone. There are people around you like friends and families that both you and your partner cannot live without. Not getting along with people closest to your partner can put a strain in your relationship. A situation where you and your partner’s mother or best friend can’t see each other eye to eye or can’t stay in the same room can be really stressful in the relationship. Holiday dinners and family gatherings can be difficult if you are not in good terms with your spouse’s family and friends. If you want to create a long-lasting relationship with your partner, it is best to get along with people important to him or her.

Life’s issues and baggage. There are life’s baggage and issues when brought to a relationship can cause damage. A lingering ex can ignite jealousy, suspicion and distrust that can put a strain in your current relationship, so it is best to be clear with your ex that everything is already in the past and that you are serious with your current relationship. Comparing your current relationship with your previous relationships is also dangerous and damaging to your relationship. Children and issues from previous marriage can be challenging and can also affect your relationship so it important to know how to handle these things and make your current relationship work. One of the reasons why relationships fail is the failure to deal with your life’s issues and baggage.

Money issues. Financial issues is one of the reasons why relationships fail. If not addressed properly, money issues can kill your relationship. The stress brought by financial woes and struggles can eventually ruin a relationship. People or couples stressed with financial issues can become irritable, irrational, hostile and cold with their spouse or partner and these behaviors can slowly kill a relationship. It is best to be honest from the start about your financial status, be open to discuss each other’s spending habits, money sharing and expenses. With effective and open-minded communication, strategies and compromise about money, a financially challenged couple can work things out and can save their marriage.

Infidelity. Keeping a relationship between two people is hard enough but involving a third party or cheating a partner is a bomb that can instantly kill a relationship. Infidelity is the ultimate relationship destroyer and some relationships won’t be able to survive this. Betraying the trust of your partner is one of the top reasons why relationships fail. The feeling of being replaced or being betrayed is not easy to cope with and so the betrayed spouse or partner often walk out of the relationship. Although there are couples who were able to survive cheating and make the relationship work again, it is best to not to commit infidelity in the first place if you want a long-lasting relationship.

Disgusting behaviors and habits. Although it is true that loving someone includes accepting all his or her flaws, in reality there are habits that can become annoying over time and can push your partner to wake up one day and realize he or she wants to get out of the relationship. Even simple things like not putting back the toothpaste cap, not making the bed, not putting the soiled laundry in the laundry bin or leaving dirty shoes and socks around the house can be magnified if things are not going well in your relationship and these can trigger your partner to finally end the relationship. Nagging, being a war freak, fighting in public, humiliating your spouse or partner, name calling or cursing when arguing, holding on grudges, hitting your spouse or partner when you are angry, throwing things when arguing, too much or unreasonable jealousy, avoiding discussions about the issues in your relationship, lying or being dishonest with your spouse or partner are some of the bad behaviors that can damage a relationship and could lead to break-ups or divorce. Being in a relationship should teach couples to be better people and not become worse so it is better to change for the better to create a strong relationship than acquire unfavorable habits or behaviors that can eventually damage your relationship.

Things in your relationship becomes a routine. The fire and excitement in the relationship could die because you became too comfortable or complacent with each other that things become more of a routine than an act of love. You become more like siblings or friends than lovers. Being too comfortable with each other takes away the excitement and the romance in the relationship and it makes the relationship boring and a routine. When couples do the same things together over and over again, they stopped growing as an individual and as a partner. Break the routine and spice up your relationship. There are things and interests that you can do separately to grow as a person and there are things that you can do together to bond with each other. It is important to allow your spouse or partner to have his or her own space to do his or her own thing or enjoy the company of his or her friends but it is also important to have time alone with each other through regular dates or vacations to bond with each other and create new and exciting memories.

Lack of intimacy and sex. Life can become too busy and complicated that couples may end up too busy or stressed for intimacy or sex which is not a good thing in a relationship. Couples need to connect intimately emotionally and physically and the best thing to do it is through sex. Sex could dry up in a long-term relationship and couples tend to have less sex through the years. Couples should prevent this from happening. Lack of intimacy or sexual dissatisfaction is one of the reasons why relationships fail. When couples stop having sex, they tend to get disconnected and detached from each other and they become susceptible to infidelity. It is best for couples to maintain an active sex life to keep the connection and make the relationship more alive and exciting. Although it is important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner through regular sex, couples should know that it is not good to put pressure on your spouse or partner to engage in frequent sex. You don’t have to have sex everyday but there are studies saying that having regular sex once a week is ideal and enough to maintain that intimate connection between couples. There are many hindrances to accomplish this like stress at work, stress in everyday life, taking care of the children and the state where you are not in the mood for sex but like any other issue in your relationship, the frequency and timing of having sex should be discussed and planned. Intimate connection through sex is vital in every romantic relationship and when couples are not having enough connection through sex, they have to do something to fix this problem to save the relationship.

Tips to Rebuild Your Broken Relationship With Your Ex

After a relationship ends, realization comes next and there are people who want to restore their ruined relationship after some reflection. Do you want to rebuild your broken relationship with your ex? Although some would agree that it is better to leave things as they are and move on, there are people who believe that love is lovelier the second time around and reconciliation win an ex is not impossible. Giving your relationship another chance could also save you from “what ifs” because you know you’ve given your relationship a fair chance and you can be at peace knowing that you’ve done everything you can to salvage a broken relationship.

If you think that your broken relationship deserves a second chance, the following tips can be very helpful to rebuild your broken relationship with your ex.

Commitment. The decision to rebuild your broken relationship with your ex includes your commitment. Getting back with an ex could be frustrating and heart wrenching and to be able to continue with your goal, you have to be committed to win your ex back. Restoring a broken relationship needs a lot of work and commitment. You should be prepared to do the work and wait. Commitment to get your ex back is different from stalking your ex and desperately appearing on your ex’s front door and beg your ex to get back to you. Commitment is the will to stay on the course until you succeed despite the hardships and frustrations.

Cut the communication lines for a month. This may sound the opposite of what you want to happen, i.e. to get close to your ex again and win your ex back. In order to rebuild your broken relationship, you both need time to reflect after the break up and you cannot do that if you keep on contacting your ex. Your ex may feel agitated if you keep on showing in front of your ex. Give yourself and your ex a break to think about what happened and reflect on your individual behaviors that resulted to the break up. Cutting the means of communication for a while can be very beneficial if you want a fresh start so be patient and give it some time.

View the relationship from your ex’s perspective. After a break-up there is no use in pointing fingers especially if you want to rebuild your relationship with your ex. Sometimes we are so consumed with our own feelings that we forget to realize that relationships are composed of two people. It is important to step out of yourself to see the whole picture and view things in your ex’s point of view.

Analyze what went wrong to your relationship. Look back at your relationship to spot the problem areas. Maybe your career is getting most of your time and this became an issue in your relationship. Maybe you find it hard to cope with your partner’s night life or social life. Recall the things that usually caused problems in your relationship because if you want to rebuild your broken relationship with your ex, you need to pinpoint what went wrong and see what you can do about it. Identify what you can accept and live with and what you need to compromise. In rebuilding a relationship, you need to fix first what went wrong.

Apologize. Before you could rebuild your broken relationship with your ex, your sincere apology might be necessary if you have hurt your partner. It is important to acknowledge your faults and sincerely apologize to your ex. It takes a lot of guts to admit your faults and say sorry or ask forgiveness but it shows your sincerity and willingness to restore your broken relationship.

Ask professional help. It can be hard to rebuild your broken relationship with your ex if the damage is too much for you to handle but this does not mean that there is no hope at all. If you really want to rebuild your relationship, do not hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist or a relationship counselor can be very helpful for you to sort things out and fix your damaged relationship.

Relationships are complicated and when things get so difficult and the relationship has been damaged, most people would just choose to walkout of the relationship. There are ways to save your relationship and rebuild what you have.

On Again Off Again Relationships

I see this all the time and it kills me to see relationships end due to being in a on again off again relationship. What people fail to realize is that relationships in itself develops in stages. I’m here today to provide some relationship problem advice. Now keep in mind that the relationship problem advice is to only be applied to relationships that are worth staying in.

How to improve your relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend…

Do you remember how it was when you first met your boyfriend/girlfriend? Do you remember how exciting it was to go out on dates? Do you even remember what attracted you to your boyfriend/girlfriend in the first place? Well if you don’t that could possibly be a major problem to start with.

The key to a successful relationship is learning how to relate to one another. You should consider seeing your relationship as a love bank. What I mean by love bank is, when you’re involved with someone you have to make what I call love deposits. If you don’t make love deposits then guess what your love bank is empty and you really have nothing motivating you to stay in the relationship and guess what; this leads to on again off again relationships.

Learning how to improve your relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend can be really simple. You first have to both be willing to work on this to avoid a on again off again relationship. Believe it or not people are involved in relationships and are not even aware that their mate has no intention on including them in their future.

I am a firm believer that communication goes along way and in most cases can save a relationship that’s worth keeping. Be careful who you get relationship problem advice from. Just when you think you are consulting with someone who has your best interest at heart; it’s even more devastating to find out that they could care less about it. OK! So let’s get started.

Relationship Problem Advice

The relationship problem advice that I am about to give can turn a relationship around immediately. You will be surprised at the results you will begin to notice in just a matter of a few days or weeks. There are 50 secrets to a blissful relationship. Just so that you know I can’t give all 50 secrets in this article because each secret is very detailed. However, I will give a few here.

1. Take out a sheet of paper and pen/pencil and what I want you to do is write down currently the pros and cons in the relationship at its current state. It’s obvious that the cons will probably outweigh the pros which is why you are currently in a on again off again relationship. Once you have completed this part you will be ready for the step 2 in secret 1.

2. In this step it can get a little tricky. The reason that I say this is because you are going to really have to analyze the con list and identify if it’s him/her or you. If you don’t remember anything else remember this relationship problem advice. You are going to have to take self out of the picture. Although you may find this hard to do it’s a key component that allows you to see things for what they really are.

When was the last time you complimented each other?… Secret 2

It amazes me how couples find time to argue 90% of the time and never compliment each for just the small things. Did you know that compliments is a must know how to improve your relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Think about it when you first met what did you notice about him/her? Think about the things that you use to say to each other that kept the relationship going. You will be surprise with the results you get by applying this to your relationship.

Communication… Secret 3

Communication has several components that some people fail to realize. It’s more than just verbal communication. Communication involves physical affection also. One of the first things to go in a on again off again relationship is verbal communication shortly followed by physical communication. Although the physical is still there in sexual encounters in most cases the verbal communication that holds the union together is no longer associated with parties involved. The tips that are given in this secret are very detailed and I would not be able to explain all of this in this article. I can say this, “this was one of my biggest issues in my relationship of 16 years”. A source that I used better explains ways to apply communication the correct way both verbally and physically.

Being in a successful relationship that is going to last takes work. I strongly recommend that you check out my resource to get more information. If you find yourself asking how to improve your relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend, need relationship problem advice, or you in a on again off again relationship. I strongly recommend that you go to the link below this article to get more information on relationship help tips.

How To Rescue Love And Heal A Relationship Or Fix A Broken Marriage

Many couples experience rainy weather in their relationship at one point or another in their lives.

This is very natural since there are a lot of aspects that can develop common relationship problems and disputes in between couples and sometimes, nobody wants to pave the way.

This is where most of the relationship issues begin, when both partners do not recognize their faults and imperfections, and both are attempting to point out that they are best and it is always the other who is incorrect.

Disputes should never be reason enough to end a relationship. There are still easy ways to heal a relationship and effective rekindling the old love.

Interact with your Partner

Interaction is among the most effective keys to complete a relationship rescue strategy.

Because increasingly more couples these days breakup without even acknowledging the real reason things go wrong, this must considered on the to-do list of how to fix the broken marriage.

That’s why family counseling can open newer doors for seeing the light in repairing the relationship issues.

The Course in Miracles asks us to contemplate, “How much do you want salvation.”

Partners need to talk things over and voice out their sides and open up their grudges prior to being far too late when things are getting rather out of hand.

Through interaction, both will have a clear image of exactly what is going on, why the conflict is happening, and exactly what relationship rescue approaches can be done to exceed this duration.

When to Keep Quiet

Silence could not be the best solution for a reliable relationship rescue, but it does contribute a lot so a relationship struggle doesn’t worsen.

Frequently, when couples are having conflicts, they have the tendency to talk excessively and say things that can be hurtful, thus they disregard one of the most important parts of a relationship which is listening.

When to keep quiet and peaceful throughout a heated argument is something couples need to learn, because it’s always best not to raise voices, yell at each other, and worse, resort to physical violence to silence the other.

When both are angry, they must let their heavy emotions subside first before speaking because typically, a mad person speaks even without sense and never takes any reason.

Spend some Time Alone at Times

Previously I discussed and reviewed the many tidbits and free advice available online for saving the marriage or a love relationship when both parties are willing and ready to heal.

If communication and keeping silence did not work as part of the relationship rescue plan, having time to be alone could be a good thing to do for the meantime.

Conflicts have two impacts: one is to reinforce the relationship and two is to break the relationship.

If these disputes repeat in circles every day, the tendency is that both partners will be fed up, and thus the very first thing that concerns their mind as a solution is to end the relationship.

If both have some space for a while and try to reassess their sensations and recognize where their errors are, this can be avoided.

Give some Space

When he or she is not around, this can be a reliable common relationship problems solution due to the fact that in some cases individuals realize the importance of their partner.

These are some of the effective ways that couples can do in order to achieve an effective relationship rescue and rekindling the old love.

Both partners need to recognize that ending the relationship is not always a good path to take just to end a dispute, however rather follow these relationship rescue techniques to resolve them.

With all these things in mind, no matter what common relationship problems can be found in the relationship, both partners can get through these and make their relationship even stronger.

Finding Strength

Try to remember that unsettled arguments and disputes have a few effects, and one is to strengthen the relationship and open each other’s eyes, and another is to end the relationship.

These are some of the efficient lessons that can be learned in family counseling, and what to address so that you may save your relationship.

Both partners need to realize that leaving the relationship is many times not the best solution to end a conflict, however instead follow these marriage tips to solve them.

With all these things in mind, no matter what common relationship problems creep in, both partners can get through these and make rekindling the old love even more powerful.

Try to look at the strong components for healing a love problem so that a wonderful relationship is lived.

(I suggest searching the net for further helpful and healing material on trying to save your relationship and addressing the issues that could potentially reach the end of the line and become too hard and disastrous to handle.)

Break Up Advice For Leaving A Relationship

You have to have the ability to move forward in life, so above all, provide yourself time, and you might want to deal with the ending of the relationship nearly like a death.

It actually does not matter whether you wanted the relationship to end or not. When you had genuine wish for the relationship, the point is it has ended and there was a time.

Acknowledge that and acknowledge your disappointment that leaving a relationship has occurred and you’ll come through this in time.

Previously I discussed more on learning what’s going on today with relationships and men, and what men love about women.

Many who are you looking for relationship separation advice set for the relationship to be over and have no interest in trying to conserve the relationship, and they will walk away cold turkey, so to speak.

Break up advice for those who want to save the marriage or save a relationship need to learn how to carry themselves during the time when arrows and bows, quite perhaps, might be flying.

If you are at the point where your partner states comments about leaving a relationship and wants to end the relationship, then my suggestion is start thinking about the phases of feelings following a separation.

If you have no interest in reviving the relationship, then the relationship break up advice you’re looking for is about discovering healing strategies so you may let move and go on.

The Phases of Feelings Following Separation

One the finest of relationships will have some issues and if they aren’t solved they can lead to the end of the relationship.

When their relationship reaches break up point, an individual can go from being on top of the world to being on the bottom of the earth.

When your relationship breaks up your heart is broken and the pain you feel is genuine and exceptionally sharp.

Everybody responds in a different way to relationship break up and separation, some will cope much better than others.

When going through a relationship break up, there are basic stages:

When your relationship has abruptly ended you will feel shock

Then the shock may not be as terrific, if you understood there was problem and a separation was on its way.

There will still be some degree of shock.

If you were still in love and delighted in the relationship, but your partner ended it out of the blue, then the shock you will feel will be very strong.

When you choose not to think that the relationship is over.

Maybe you have actually remained in denial that there have been any problems taking place within your relationship, and do not wish to accept that the relationship is now over.

You may try to convince yourself that it is simply a short-term problem that you will be able to deal with.

Sadly, if your partner has actually broken off the relationship then it might be far too late to deal with any problems that have been building up gradually.

When leaving a love relationship, feeling anxiety and depression can be overwhelming.

If you are the partner that wanted to end the relationship you will still experience sadness at this significant phase of your life, no-one enjoys ending a relationship and even.

It can take time to reach this stage, once you accept that the relationship is over then you can move on with your life.

Be happy that you were able to experience a caring relationship for the time it put the separation and lasted and the relationship as something of the past.

The Course in Miracles states, “If all but loving thoughts has been forgotten, what remains is eternal. And the transformed past is made like the present.”

Even the best of relationship advice tells us that we all have some issues, and if they aren’t fixed they can lead to the end of the relationship.

If you are rejecting the notion that there have been no troubled relationship issues, and don’t want to accept it is now over, do yourself a favor and find healing advice.

No-one takes pleasure in ending a relationship, because it fogs up the mind of both parties involved, even if you are the partner who decided on leaving a relationship.

Both sides will still experience some sorrow and confusion during this healing stage of your life.

Once found each other and were able for a while to connect both mindfully and physically for a period of your life, be happy that you.

Put the split and the relationship behind you, and move forward in life.

You’re going to need to be mindfully sound and acting right-mindedly from Spirit instead of the judgmental wrong-minded ego.

You’ll need a healed attitude if you’re ever to experience positive reconciliation when it comes to contacting your ex in a couple of months or weeks, or however long it takes.

The Course in Miracles states, “The ego seeks to ‘resolve’ its problems, not at their source, but where they were not made. And thus it seeks to guarantee there will be no solution.”

The leaving a relationship, or break up advice, you’re looking for is about finding techniques for how to cope with healing your wounds, if you have no interest in rekindling the relationship.

(I always like to suggest that there are loads of good information on the web to help when you feel things like, ‘He doesn’t love me,’ and you think over and over inside, ‘How to make my husband love me more’.)

You can find related info on topics like, ‘what men love about women and men and relationships’, here: http://jamesnussbaumer.com/men-and-relationships-and-what-men-love-about-women/

Hi, I’m James Nussbaumer, I’d like to introduce myself through my thought provoking self-improvement and inspirational books, articles, and other content for a better life, where I reflect on the principles of A Course in Miracles.

Relationships – How to Make Your Honeymoon Last Forever

I mean, the only thing between you and that state of despair is your pride and surely love is better for one day than pride for a lifetime?

“NOTHING IS IN THE WAY, ONLY ON THE WAY. Yes, that’s the way to think about relationships.

You can control 50% of your life. Choose which 50% carefully. All people can only control 50% of their life but they don’t know which 50% they value controlling. So they end up trying to control all their life which is impossible. It’s called half hearted living. Do you want half hearted life? I doubt it and if you do, stop reading this article now.

You want to put your whole heart into what you do because there are no half hearted success stories. So, sometimes you have to control your wealth but let go control at home. It depends on your values doesn’t it.

NEVER GIVE 100%

The reason people get in a mess with love and relationships is that they think that a relationship is the be all and end all of life. Most people who admire love and relationships are depressed, like RUMI and Romeo. They weren’t happy. All their life (and poetry) was spent moaning that they couldn’t enjoy themselves without love and relationships. Gosh, there’s a whole world out there to love.

Relationships don’t solve problems. They actually bring problems to the surface, sort of make them worse. Relationships magnify problems. They feed on them. Sometimes people hope that their love and relationship will solve problems. It’s very seductive. I will solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, the sex is great and the promise is fabulous. Relationships promise to will solve problems but they don’t. The closest a relationship gets to solving a problem is that it makes having a problem less intense because it feels like there’s a second person going in to bat for you in life. But in my experience, even that has its limits.

The other reason people get into a mess in relationships is that they put too much mush into them. If you divide life into seven equal parts like: career, money, health, intelligence, friends, self and relationship you get a rough idea about the real context of relationship. A relationship is not life, love is. And you can’t love one person and hate another. 99% of relationship failure is caused by unresolved judgements about someone in the past, or their sister’s past or their brother’s past or their parent’s. They grind that axe and hold onto all sorts of distaste so then they can’t love that in their current partner either. Remember that every person has every trait. It’s like sucking a dog poo lolly while kissing a prince. It’s going to make a difference. The taste alone of a judgement or hate that’s dragging itself through a person’s life becomes permanent. They taste crap even when they meet their soul mate. So, smart thing would be to use mouthwash. Process dirty laundry from the past, emotional baggage and really turn up.

This is what makes the difference for me.

I value that life is a journey and even pain is important to teach and guide us. My pain has a purpose and so, when I have it, I let all the pain in and don’t hold onto anything. Sometimes I’ve gone for help to finish a discard form, other times I’ve been through a ream of paper, 400 sheets of paper, listing the discard. For me, opening my heart again to love each day is a big value. I make sure there are no grudges or regrets about anything in my life. By doing this, I learn more about myself, my work, my life, my people, my human nature in six minutes than a meditator learns in a lifetime.

Pains and challenges don’t get easier, but they do get shorter. My first heartbreak heart took 3 years to deal with, the last one, 3 hours. Yes, I’m good at the forms, but I do practice between performances, I do them regularly on little things so I’m confident on the big things.

So, here’s the rub about love and life from my viewpoint.

You can’t go wrong. You can’t go wrong trying. You can only go wrong half trying.
If you are in doubt pull out.
If you are being safe, or self protective, or cautious in love, it’s over.
There is no half.
You and your baggage come into the relationship boots and all. Otherwise it’s a joke, and you’ll be the punch line.
Give all and if it ends cop it sweet, right in the heart.
Love your ex, unconditionally.
A few hints on being confident and putting 100% of your heart into a relationship.

Create a routine that works for you as if you are single or as if you were single and do not change one molecule of it when you are double except you might swap out going to the pub with friends for a date night.

Compromise kills love and therefore relationships. You get to know yourself you keep doing those things that make you a good you even when you are in a relationship.

Focus on love in the other six areas of life as well as relationship. It’s the overloading of relationship with too much pressure to create happiness that causes their failure.

Focus on fulfilment and be fulfilled when you enter a relationship – don’t burden your relationship with the job of making you happy. The purpose of relationships is not happiness, and, happiness is like an Ogre, always hungry, never satisfied. Turn up in your relationship already fulfilled – then your relationship can last a lifetime.

Don’t focus on trying to please your partner all the time, you might be making a huge mistake.

Don’t wish for or start looking for someone with the same values as you. Someone who is pleased by the same things as you. That notion is so self-destructive. That’s a bitter pill. No mouthwash can kill the flavour of being a disappointed lover. If you think the essence of a great relationship is finding someone who wants what you want and thinks like you think about work and life, you will be hurting forever. No need for that.

Be True to Yourself

Remember that there’s only one person on earth who thinks like you, who wants what you want and who needs what you need in the quantities that you need. And that person is you. If you think you found a like minded soul, this is possible but if you think that they will want what you want in the order you want it in, think again. Anyone who gives you the impression that they want what you want in the order you want it, is tricking, seducing and manipulating you by making things easy. They are just making you happy so you surrender to them.

Trust nature, if two people are the same, one of them isn’t necessary. If you do find an exact replica, a person who thinks like you, resonates with you, walks and talks like you and wants what you want, then wear a hard hat because they will soon ask you to change.

All relationships are based on differences.

If there are seven areas of life, and your priorities are spiritual, mental and financial in that order, you can bet everything you own that their bottom three priorities will be financial, mental and spiritual in that order. This is how nature works. It’s not wrong. Deep down, the human spirit is non complaint. Only on the surface can we cause another person to subjugate their values. Deep down, intrinsically, we are all very powerful.

BE REAL

There are two sides to everyone. So, know the negatives and the positives of everyone and simply focus on the good news. That’s romantic. That’s seduction. It means “to please. ” So we seduce each other by focussing on what works, not criticising the 50% that doesn’t work. If you think you are without that 50/50 balance of positive and negative, go interview your ex partner, your kids or parents. They’ll give it to you with both barrels.

If your expectations of a partner are anything other than 50/50 positive negative then you are fantasising and this is great short term but eventually it’ll hurt you and them. You do what you can to seduce your date, but really, it’s an act. Deeply, you could if you chose, focus on the bad news or the good news. If you want a good home, be diligent, know the balance, focus on the good news.

People want their long term needs met.

Seduce means to give others what they want, and it will be very different to what you’d want if you were them. And this is why relationships are so challenging. While you are getting seduced you dream that this getting, this satisfaction is going to last forever. But your needs will expand and their needs will expand and you’ll eventually feel that your needs are not being met in some area. And then there’s a test.

Now what? Now that you find you’ve married someone who wants things you don’t want, what are you going to do? You know this is inevitable so do you get single while in a relationship, and just self-gratify, hoping to one day meet your perfect self in another person, or do you realise that by giving to your lover what they want they give to you what you want?

Are you one of the people who get into relationships with enthusiasm and then spend the rest of the time you are in it thinking about whether you made the right choice? This is human, but you need to shut that down by looking around at other people going, “my goodness, my partner has that but in a different form, my partner is therefore better, they are perfect. ”

Confusion or Clarity

Western ideology means we want what we haven’t got, so, when you are with one person (relationship) you want to be with the many (single) and when you are with the many (single) you want one (relationship)… in other words when you are single being double looks brilliant and when you are double being single looks like nirvana.

That’s the epitome of western ideology. We want what we haven’t got. It’s the driving force of the consumer society, our culture, our religions… simply we are conditioned to “want what we haven’t got. ” And this presents an dilemma for those who love the commercial world of business. If business success comes from wanting what you haven’t got, then are you doomed to continual dissatisfaction in relationship?

The whole business and financial model of the world runs on “wanting what we haven’t got – consumerism” even in Maoist countries it’s what feeds people. But at home, in love and relationship maybe the opposite works better.

In love “I need nothing, I want nothing and therefore I have everything” the Eastern model of want what you’ve got, is best.

I teach clients who have been in long term relationships a great game. Would you like to read about that? If so read on:

So, here’s the rub about Eastern thinking in a Western relationship. Lets say you are a woman, 29 and feel very beautiful in your clothes and body and work and life and you are dating a short fat man who has no money, smelly armpits, a hairy chest and eats like a pig on heat. So, you look up from your meal and there he is with food down his shirt, spaghetti on his bald head and snot dripping from his nose. He is making a grunting sound and his knife and fork haven’t left the napkin. His hands are up to their elbows in tomato sauce and he is on the phone talking to his ex. You look just past him and there is Brad Pitt. You slide off the chair in bliss. Your mind drifts and you are no longer at the table with short, fat, bald man you have left your body at the table and are sitting on Brad’s knee and he’s happy to see you if you know what I mean. So, now you want what you haven’t got right?

And in Western life, that’s unhappiness, dissatisfaction, lost interest, doubt, unromantic, heart closed, argument coming, gee I wish I wasn’t stuck in this horrible relationship thinking. Yes?

Here’s the genius for dealing with wanting what you haven’t got in a relationship (sabotage)

Imagine that there’s a competition and your child is in a race. Your kid is not the greatest runner, so they always lose. At the end they come up to you crying because they lost the race so what do you say to them? You find something to celebrate like “well, you didn’t come first but you were the best starter, or you didn’t win the running race but you went faster than you’ve done before or you looked great or tried hardest” Somehow you extract a take away from the event that proves an amazing universal truth. In every competition, everyone is a winner. That’s a universal law, not a platitude.

In nature, nothing is missing. So, although you might be looking across the table at Mr Piggy and looking past him to Brad Pitt, in nature’s eyes, they are equal. There is nothing Brad Pitt has got that your partner hasn’t. The only question is “what form?” Now, before we get into that I want to make a point clear. To compare your partner with other potential candidates is human. To have questions and see other attractive people is human. Even wearing one of those “Ned Kelly” helmets as some religions do to prevent people being attracted to them, is not going to prevent it. We compare, life is, nature is, competitive.

Apply that to business or sport and you are a winner. Apply it to relationship and you will be a loser. Don’t get messed up thinking you need to be Eastern in everything or you’ll end up half engaged in work and half engaged at home. You need to be diverse, open and have both. Apply the Western model of “I want what I haven’t got” to your work and sport and apply the Eastern model of “I want what I’ve got” to your relationship and health.